The Joy of a Beautiful Day

What a beautiful day we had in Michigan!  I'm not sure what the exact high for today was but I would say at least 55 and it was awesome!  I didn't step a foot outside all day until I left work and there were beautiful dark gray clouds moving across the sky with the sun shining through.  I just love the way the light shines against the dark.  It made me long for spring time and for thunderstorms!  As some or most of you know I love a good storm.  Especially when you can watch it roll in.  My dream house is going to be in the country with a complete view of the weather as it rolls in from the west.  Our first apartment when we got married had that view and we loved to sit on the deck and just watch it roll in.  Even after the divorce was in process we all hopped in Matt's van to drive through the country and watch a storm as it rolled through.  I love the weather and Caleb really has a love for the weather.  He hopes to be a meteorologist some day and chase tornadoes.  What a fantastic goal!   He and I talked tonight about the importance of doing our homework and always doing our best so he can get good grades and go to college.  He is so focused on going to college some day to become a professional baseball player and a meteorologist.  His dad and I didn't go to college and we will be so pleased if our children go onto some sort of higher education.  Layla wants to be a dance teacher and own a studio like Miss Kathryn.  I am so stoked that my kids have goals like this!  I just hope I can help them stay excited about their future.  The spring like weather gets me excited and motivated.  I had a very productive day at work and came home and continued to be productive which has been VERY unlike me as of late.  I got the whole living room cleaned up, all of the school papers gone through, homework organized and garbage out of the kitchen in addition to cleaning the kitchen.  Layla helped me cut strawberries this evening and cover them in sugar so we could have strawberries with cool whip for our night time snack.  I just love doing these things with her.  I'm really hoping that with Caleb's future therapy I can get him more involved with using his hands on things other than the Wii remote.  All in all a very good day.  Layla did have a meltdown at Kmart but what day would be complete without a late run to Kmart and a temper tantrum?  Well I think our high for tomorrow is only 39 but it will be back up to 53 on Friday with thunderstorms.  Yeah for me!  It might be the perfect night for a Ghost Hunters or Ghost Adventures marathon.  I hope your leap day was as joyous as mine!!

Why do fools fall in love?

I've been trying to figure out how one goes about joining a "dating scene" when your religion is a huge part of who you are and what you want to have in your life.  Let's be honest - there are very few, if any, single LDS men in the surrounding area.  So does that mean online dating is all we have?  I've tried that off and on since July.  Thought I had met someone special which turned into a confusing limbo.  Now the idea of jumping back into that seems futile.  What is so hard about being honest with what you want out of life?  What is wrong with being open and real?  I've been trying to determine if it is just me and I don't have anything to offer men.  Is it my big and beautiful build?  Should I starve myself to compete with the plentiful thin and single Molly Mormons?  Do I lack a sense of humor?  Am I a boring conversationalist?  Maybe I just don't have what anyone wants and that is why I couldn't keep my husband in love with me.  These thoughts swirl and muddy my brain, mostly at night when the kids are in bed and I am laying in bed trying to turn my mind off.  Well if I just looked like "her" then someone might like me.  If I act "this way" maybe he'll like me.  When you feel like you have been yourself with those you have fallen for and they have rejected you time after time - what is a person supposed to think?  And single men could go for a woman who is way younger then them but if it were the other way around "it just isn't normal".  I've had one gentleman tell me he won't even consider a woman with children.  Well if you are 36 and never been married - should I not consider you?  Why must there be silly restrictions on who we can and can't fall in love with?  Would you pass up Mr. Right just because he had been married before or had kids or belly danced at a luau?  Ok that last one was a bit ridiculous but I feel like most restrictions are ridiculous.  Is it too scary for a man to think he might have to become a father figure to my children?  I don't know.  The questions are endless and there really are no good answers.  I guess I am just trying to figure out why things are the way they are.  I know the Lord does have a plan for me but I have to be an active part of that plan and try to reach the important righteous goals.  I had a great conversation with my cousin-in-law today about this sort of thing.  We can put things in God's hands, but if we sit on our couch Facebooking and Pinteresting (not words, I know) expecting him to drop it in our lap, isn't that missing the point?  We need to do our part to make things happen as well.  So for now I am going to pull my big girl panties up again and say it isn't me, it's "him".  I may have just been the best thing that you passed up.  Onward and upwards as the saying goes.  This fool so hope she falls in love again someday and that the fool she falls in love with has been waiting his whole life for a girl like her.

One week anniversary!!!

One week ago tonight I did my first blog post and I have really loved it so far!!  I am not even close to being a writer and I know that shows with each post but I have really found it therapeutic to get my thoughts down.  It also allows me to go back and re-read my "epiphany's" so I can stay on track.  I am scatterbrained most of the time so I love having it down.  I really want to make changes and get through these baby steps so when I have my one year anniversary I may have accomplished something huge!  The possibilities are endless!!  So thank you for following along and joining me on this journey.  I love you!!!!  Jerseylicious is on so gotta go!!!

Modern Family

Sunday's are my favorite day of the week.  No work, no errands to run.  Just church, relaxing and family.  Caleb went to his first non-family birthday party today and had a great time.  I'm always so thankful when we go to a function like this and the kids are excited to see him and run up to him.  You see, Caleb has struggled with not functioning socially like other children his age.  When he was 3 years old we had him tested through the CISD and their non-medical diagnosis was Aspbergers.  So we had an IEP set up and he has been getting  GREAT help from the MPS system in dealing with his issues.  In the beginning I was against  having him medically diagnosed and stigmatized.  He has greatly improved over the last 4 years.  However, this past year has been very trying on my little family.  We have seen a regression in him, mostly since November when his dad moved to France to be with his new wife.  You see Caleb's dad was a stay at home dad and a part of the kid's life 24/7.  Even after he moved out he was with the kids a good chunk of the time.  Now that Caleb's interaction with his dad is based on phone calls weekly Skype visits he is not functioning as well as he was.  I look at it like not being able to understand how you're feeling and not understanding how to process the feelings.  Whenever you ask him how he feels about anything that bothers him his response is "I don't know".  He doesn't like talking about it at all.  I came to the conclusion a couple of weeks ago, through discussion's with the grandma's, that it is time to have Caleb medically diagnosed.  I need to get him every tool possible out there to help him deal with emotions and how to socially interact with others.  We had his first appointment on Friday with the family doctor.  Pretty much they think he has a mild form of something on the Autism Spectrum Scale. He has regressed due to the high stress of his precious little life lately.  They kept reassuring me that it was mild.  They think that with the official diagnosis and getting him behavioral therapy that we should be able to help him get things under control.  Unless he is diagnosed with ADD or ADHD he shouldn't need medication.  I was very relieved to hear all of this.  As a mother you just want your children to be happy, more successful than you were and to enjoy this life they have been given.  When you have a child who doesn't function "normally" you are constantly worried about how they are behaving and are they fitting in with those around them?  Caleb is young for his grade.  He won't be 8 until October and everyone else in his class has turned 8 or is doing so before him.  He is very smart cognitively which has allowed him to be in the grade level he is.  However, if a teacher thinks he needs a little longer before moving on then I am all right with that too.  I have to rely on the experience of others when it comes to these things.  Thank goodness I have so many supportive and knowledgeable people in my village who truly care for Caleb's well being and are willing to approach me when the subject is a sensitive one.  No one wants to think their child is different and not able to keep up.  I am learning to have faith in the Lord's plan.  Do I wish that I could give my children back a normal family with a mom and dad all living together who love one another?  Absolutely.  Will that ever happen?  Not with their dad.  And he may never move back here permanently again.  I have got to keep on keepin' on and help my children to be strong, independent and able people.  And for Caleb that starts with a medical diagnosis and getting a bigger toolbox to keep all of our tools in.

Tonight I graciously invited ourselves over to my sister Jessica's house.  They were thrilled with the idea of being in my company, especially Sonny.  We ate spaghetti for dinner and I started her on her way of becoming addicted to Pinterest.  The kids played happily in the basement while Jess, Sonny and I started watching episodes of Modern Family.  I have always wanted to watch the show but never remember it's on.  Watching Claire and Phil with their three kids made me long for a "normal" family for my children to grow up in.  I was nostalgic and remembered the good times we had as a family.  But watching the show made me realize that my little 3 person family is my own version of a modern family.  While it isn't what I dreamed of while growing up it is our reality.  So here I sit typing in my chair with Layla draped over the back.  Her head on my shoulder while she snores away without a care in the world.  Caleb is in my room watching some show about a guy named Fred.  If there is anything my kids take from their childhood I hope it is all of the good memories and always knowing that they were loved completely.  By me, by their dad and by their village.

Taking it personal

I LIKE  my mama.  Thank you Layla I like you too.  Layla insisted on writing the first line tonight. She is a little mad at me right now.  I have been nauseous since last night and so tired.  She wants to lay all over me and I just can't handle it.  She is so loving but takes it so personal sometimes.  That is a trait that most of us if not all have to a degree.  I have been known to have my fair share of taking things too personally.  I have learned that when in doubt talk it out.  If someone has hurt you or your feelings.  Talk to them about it.  Don't let it stew or all it will do is end up hurting only you in the end.  We have to give the offenders a chance to apologize.  I have hurt peoples feelings in the past, intentionally (I know, you thought I was a saint) and unintentionally.  I have found that I feel just as bad for the unintentional mishaps as I do for the intentional.  It might feel rewarding for a moment but it seems I always end up apologizing for going to far.  So if I have hurt your feelings or taken something personally that I shouldn't have I apologize.  My brain works in overtime sometimes trying to predict the outcome to every situation.  I think it has something to do with being a Capricorn.  So thank you village for loving me unconditionally and putting up with my wacky ways and crazy ways of thinking some days.

Family is family is family

My babies are nice and clean snuggled in my bed watching Diego.  I have to work tomorrow which I normally don't because of their mid-winter break and babysitting arrangements.  It's going to be hard because I have gotten so used to being with them every Saturday.  They will be in good hands, however, with Aunt Mackenzie.  They were really lucky to hang out at Aunt Jessica's most of today and the rest with cousin Kayla. I am so proud of Kayla and I am only her aunt!  She is 12 years old and such an excellent babysitter.  She has had little, if any, experience outside of her own brothers.  Jessica and Sonny have done an amazing job with raising her.  I do think it is true that kids are normally better for everyone but their own parents, but she is going to be an awesome woman someday  I am lucky to be her aunt and part of her life.  What a priceless asset she and the rest of my family are to our village!

Speaking of family, I was blessed today to give service to my mother-in-law today.  I know, I know you might be thinking, isn't she your (ex)mother-in-law?  Technically speaking, yes.  But I have known my in-laws since I was 16 years old and have always called them mamma and dadda.  It actually feels weird to call them my ex in-laws or any of his extended family that.  Although I easily refer to Matt as my ex-husband.  :)  I regard all of Matt's family as my family still and I always will. I know that they will always feel the same way about me.  Have we had our ups and downs?  Sure - all families do, especially when you work with each other.  At the end of the day we are all here for each other.  So this was my turn to give back.  Terri is very generous to others and is always there to help lift you up.  She had surgery this week and needed some extra help tonight. She is not good at asking for help from others on a personal level and she wasn't expecting me so I wasn't sure if she would let me help.    I was so thankful at her willingness to let me be there for her.  It is not often I get to do something like this for someone and it made my soul feel good.  I really needed this opportunity and I think Heavenly Father played a hand in making it happen.

I read recently on a friend's Facebook page, "Family is more than just DNA, it is who you have in your life and people who take care of each other".  That is what is so awesome about each of our villages.  It can be made up with people who have the same DNA or don't, but if you love and take care of each other then that is all that matters.  So I like to say family is family is family.

Slumber party!!!

So the kids end up in my bed every night but on Friday and Saturday nights I normally let them start off in my bed for "slumber parties".  Since there is no school tomorrow I am letting them tonight.  We're drinking hot chocolate with whipping cream and have been watching Nick Jr.  I am in the middle of Caleb and Layla, two cats, 9 pillows, and two pillow pets all on a queen size bed.  Let's just say part of my left leg is hanging off the bed, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  Every parent(s) have different rules with letting their kids in bed with them.  In the past when they would get in bed with me and Matt he would usually take them back to bed and they would stay there, if they got in at all.  I don't remember feeling strongly one way or the other.  Now that our lives have taken such a turn, if they want to get in bed with me I am happy to allow it.  There are moments I wish I had the whole bed to myself all night long but I know there will come a time when they will stop snuggling me in bed and wanting to have me all to themselves.  I am going to enjoy every minute I get with them.  There may be arguing in the middle of the night of who is touching who (I always get stuck in the middle and much prefer the edge) and usually there is some kind of crumb I am sweeping out of my bed.  One thing I can say is a positive from the divorce is that I have so much alone time with the kids that I think that we are all closer than ever.  I want them to know they can come to me and tell me anything knowing I will love them unconditionally.  There may be consequences they don't enjoy but that is what happens in life.  I will always love them for who they are not just for who I hope they are some day.  Do you ever have slumber parties with your kids?  I highly recommend it.  There's nothing like waking up with your babies snuggled up and draped all over you.  Come on, try it this weekend!  Especially if you live in Marshall and have mid-winter break.  Enjoy those babies!!!

Lifting each other up

Had a conversation with a good friend today who is suffering from the same fears, anxiety and depression I have been experiencing this past year.  The circumstances instigating it are different but I could understand exactly how they were feeling at this time.  Anxiety and depression are something I have dealt with in the past but I have never dealt with them at such a deep level before.  The depression is crippling and overwhelming.  It eats away at every part of you leaving you feeling small and worthless.  The anxiety heightens it and makes you feel like you are fighting to get out of your own skin.  One day you think you are turning a corner and the next you fell hysterical and back at square one.  I am thankful for the medication I can take to help control it.  I have realized, maybe only as of today, that I am doing the best I can.  Maybe my house isn't spotless, my laundry caught up or my house beautifully organized as the suggestions I see on Pinterest.  I may not do crafts with my children or bake them cookies everyday.  But I get up each morning and get myself to work.  My kids are progressing well in school and they are coming to terms (to some degree) with how our life is now even though their daddy is so far away.  We have food to eat, warm beds and best of all we have so much love in our home.  Weekends are the hardest for me.  I feel my most overwhelmed and sad.  Right now not much gets done around the house.  But I know it won't last forever and that feels empowering.  I have had this epiphany and maybe, just maybe, it might slowly start getting better from this point on.  But if it doesn't happen as quickly as my mind says it should I am going to lay off of myself and take it one day at a time.  I have also learned through this process to not judge others because we don't know what they're going through.  I want to show compassion to those around me.  Be a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen and have arms to hold you up when you feel you can't take another step.  My village has done that for me and will continue to do so whenever I need it or my babies need it.  Maybe being a part of my friends village will allow that me to do it for her.  Friend, I love you and am here for you.  Tomorrow is a new day and a new chance.  So is each one after that. Remember you are loved by your village around you and your Father in Heaven.  Thomas S. Monson is the prophet of the church I belong to, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  He is pictured below with his quote that I felt was perfect for this post.

A time to forgive

Things have finally quieted down for the night leaving me to reflect on the day.  I often wonder how I got to this place in my life.  The answer is obvious, it is a reflection of the choices I have made.  Some were bad and some were good but our choices leave us where we are.  Would I change any choices I have made in my past?  Probably a few such as going to lunch with my dad the day he showed up at my work and I was "too busy".  That happened while he was sick.  I was so sure he would beat cancer, little did I know it was my last opportunity.  I could have been more respectful to my mother when I was a teenager, managed my money better, figured out how to make my marriage last before it was swept away.  What I have to keep reminding myself is I can't change the past.  My dad is in a better place and hopefully he knows how much I regret that day.  I can show respect to my mother now and teach my children  to have respect for her and hopefully me.  I can manage my money better now and get to the point where I don't feel stretched.  I can learn to forgive myself for the mistakes I made in my marriage and learn from them.  If I am blessed to meet a special someone someday, I can remember the things I want to do better and I know now to expect better from him.  Why is it so hard to forgive ourselves?  I am one of the most forgiving people I know.  There are very few people in my life at this moment whom I know I will forgive someday but am not capable of at this very moment.  For the most part I forgive easily and quickly with no thought of it again.  I, however, beat myself up day after day on all of the things I have done wrong and how it got me to this time and place.  So today I pledge to myself to start finding ways to forgive myself, let go of the past and be me.  Not just a mom, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, employee.  But Sarah Christine Banister - who am I and what do I want in life?  It won't happen overnight but I know that every time I try to better myself it will make me better for those around me and especially my children.  It will make me a better mom, future wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend and employee. I know I can't do it on my own.  I need the strength of my older brother, Jesus Christ, along with the love and support of my village.  How did I get so lucky to be at this place at this time?

There's a first time for everything!

I read many uplifting and heartwarming blogs.  I am amazed at how eloquently they are written and how "perfect" their lives seem.  We all have our ups and downs in life.  I've often wondered if I have anything worthwhile to write or share?  This past year and a half have been the hardest of my life and for the life of my children.  But we are a little bit stronger each day and we aren't doing it on our own.  We are surrounded by the most loving, kind and giving "village" one could ask for.  What village do you ask?  This is a unique village that is inhabited by everyone who is a part of my life and the lives of Caleb and Layla.  We each have our own village in life.  This blog is to help me keep a journal of the happenings and never forget how a village helped raise not just one child but three.  I include myself because we are all children of a loving Heavenly Father and he has placed me here at this time with these awesome people around me.  So hold on tight - we're in for a bumpy ride!