A New Beginning

As spring is blooming all around me it is a constant reminder of the beauty of our earth and that we all go through different seasons in life.  I feel as if I've come out of a dark and dreary winter that lasted way too long and I am budding through the ground reaching for the light of the sun.  Especially when I read back on some of my past posts.  The past 2-1/2 weeks I've proven different things to myself with situations in my personal life.  Moments that I dreaded and dealt with better than I thought originally possible.  I'm proud of myself for standing up and facing the realities that are laid before me.  I have stood up for myself to myself if that makes sense.  I want to be a better me.  It takes time, effort, goals and encouragement.  I've got some time, the effort might take extra work at times and the goals are deeply etched in my brain.  I have the encouragement of my children, family, friends, co-workers, students, church family and those I don't even know very well.  How much luckier could I be?  Now as long as I can keep on the track, I am OK with it being a slow journey.  Just as long as I continue to inch my way towards that light at the end of the tunnel.   So I'm sending my positive vibe out to the universe and to my village.  Let's support each other!

I Feel Like Giving Up

Days like today just make me want to give up.  I'm tired of the fighting, the hurting, the crying, the pain.  I'm tired of all the thoughts and questions that go through my mind.  I'm tired of the insecurities that I feel and my children feel.  I'm tired of not being able to be everything my children need.  I'm tired of it all.  I just want to crawl into bed never to wake up to this nightmare. I'm mad that 10 years ago I believed all of your lies and empty promises.  I'm tired of you off living a life of ease, few responsibilities or cares.  I'm mad that because you couldn't cope you ran.  I'm mad that I'm left carrying it all on my shoulders.  It's like trying to keep a fistful of sand in my hand without any grains falling through the cracks of my fingers.  I'm mad that when you leave again you'll go on your merry way and not look back while I start over again in picking up the pieces.  I'm mad that your new life is more important than the two most amazing things you ever did and were so willing and eager to leave them.  I'm tired of trying to convince them of your love and that it wasn't anything they did.  I'm tired of trying to analyze every day we had and what I did wrong and what I should have done so those two blessings wouldn't have had to endure such hurt, pain and agony.  I'm tired of days like today where I feel like I'm barely keeping it together.  And while I'm tired of all this you're living it up not giving a damn about any of it.  You'll show up for your vacation and make things all fun and a party while I'm left being the disciplinarian and the one who sticks with it day in and day out.  I try to understand the fairness in it all and there isn't any.  I hate you both for it and don't know if forgiveness will ever come.  That is foreign to me because I am usually so filled with forgiveness.  I think as a mother it is hard enough to ever have to watch your children suffer, hurt and be insecure.  But it is so much harder when deep down you feel the same way.  I don't know if I can do it.  I don't know if I can handle you strutting her around like a peacock with it's feathers up.  I don't know if I can handle the thought of strangers assuming she is their mother when she isn't and never will be.  She doesn't know them and at this rate never will.   I'm tired of not being able to scream at the top of my lungs it is all his fault.  He chose to leave you.  He chose to break up his family.  He chose to run instead of fight.  He took the easy way out.  I'm so tired of it all that I want to give up.  But the thing is, I can't and I won't.  I will try to wake up tomorrow and put a smile on my face.  I will try and smooth things over with my 5 year old whom I fought with for 2 hours tonight to go to sleep.  I will try to give them all the love they need to make up for the love you took away from them.  I will keep fighting for their happiness and well being.  And there will be days like today and nights like tonight where for a few minutes I give up.  I give in to the grief and despair.  I scream and cry and wail like a child.  I will get it out of my system, pull my big girl panties up again and start over.  It's all I can do.  If I were to really give up, the only ones destroyed by it would be the only ones I do it all for.  They're worth it.  They're mine and we're going to make it.  Come hell or high water we are going to endure this nightmare and come out on the other side.  I don't know how I'm going to do it but all I know is I have to.  That is the responsibility I accepted when I chose to bring these two spirits into this world.  They didn't choose this.  I didn't choose this.  But we will learn how to deal with it together.  So call me a terrible mother, call me whatever you want.  But you will never be able to say I didn't try my best.  Whatever I can't do I'm counting on the Lord to pick up the slack.    Some of you may not believe in God or a higher power but I do.  I am his child and he has entrusted these two little ones into my care.  I think he will be there carrying us when I can't do it and need a break.  I'm thankful for that knowledge.

P.S.  Sorry to be Debbie Downer but I needed to vent and I use this blog as a therapeutic tool in addition to being a journal.  It helps me to feel better to just get it off my chest but have it to look back on to help me be extra thankful on my good days.

Thankful for...

I am so thankful for the beautiful weather we are having (but not the early onslaught of mosquitoes).  To be able to turn off the heat and open the house up is invigorating and empowering.  I have a lot on my plate this week with our yearly audit.  It is like having someone going through everything you do with a fine tooth comb and tell you every mistake you made.  And just the "right" mistake could cost your employer money or their business.  It is very intense.  I usually have a good idea as to what mistakes I have made but this past year and a half has been like a roller coaster and I really have no clue.  Usually ignorance is bliss.  Not in this case!  We will see what they come up with.  I am thankful to have a job that I enjoy and work in the industry that I love.  It may not be my dream job but it is a great one.  I have so much to be thankful for and I keep trying to remind myself of that each day.  I am also trying really hard to use my "inside voice" at all times.  I tend to be a screamer and it really does not benefit me or the children at all.  I have found that when I get really stressed out with their behavior or actions I am really so angry deep down with having been left to deal with it all on my own that it spills out into how I react.  I am thankful to be able to recognize that and hopefully curtail it when I feel it boiling up inside.  My kids deserve a mother who is always trying to be calm, kind, soft spoken and loving (although I am not sure those things will always happen at the same time).  What are you thankful for?

Promise Yourself

Just loving this dark and stormy night, our first real one of the year and am loving every minute of it.  I was on Pinterest and came across this quote on my friend Angie Lantz's board and had to share.  It is by Christian D. Larson.  http://pinterest.com/pin/57350595224844318/  I feel like I am having to remind myself of these same things each day.  I easily get discouraged and overwhelmed.  Somehow I have to find the strength to let go of the hurt and pain so I can move forward and be everything I want to be and everything everyone else needs to be.  That's why I love to write this blog for myself as a journal.  I can learn new things and be reminded of things I have learned and forgot.  I am going to make a promise to myself to keep trying.  To have the courage to deal with the big and the little things, now matter how hard they are or may seem to be.  It is kind of like Dory in Finding Nemo when she says, "just keep swimming, just keep swimming".  I have been repeating that over and over in my head lately.  Let's keep swimming together!

My Squirrel

Ever since my Caleb was born we have called him Squirrel.  I can't remember what started it but it has always been that way and boy does it fit!  He is like a squirrel, always on the go.  I have had a lot of one on one time with him this weekend.  It started last night with our first date to the mother/son dance and activity.  We played, shook our groove thing and had Subway for dinner.  Tonight his sister is having a sleepover at Grandma and Grandpa's with her cousin Jorgie.  We ate fried chicken and now I am watching him play Wii.  He loves to have me watch him play Wii.  He is one of the loves of my life and I choke up just thinking about him leaving and going to college someday.

My dreams and goals for him are the same as any mother would have for her child.  I want him to be happy, always do his best, honest, spiritual, well liked, smart, college bound, respectful, obedient and so forth.  I sometimes worry how far he will make it.  Caleb isn't like all 7 year old kids.  He is borderline Aspergers according to the school and after much thought, prayer and discussion I have started the ball rolling on having him medically diagnosed.  When Caleb was first with us on earth we lived in Georgia and were very sheltered.  By sheltered I mean, without family and very few friends.  Caleb had us, his babysitter, the kids in nursery and the kids at the playground he went to everyday with his dad.  Being our first born we didn't see anything wrong with him.  He was a little rambunctious like most kids and didn't talk a whole lot but we assumed that was normal.  After Layla was born and we moved back to Michigan things started to get harder.  Especially at church.  He would have meltdowns every Sunday.  Finally my mother-in-law mentioned there might be something wrong with him.  That was very hard for me to take at first.  We all expect our children to be born "perfect".  When I questioned my mother on her opinion and she agreed.  By this time Caleb was 3 years old and we wanted to get him into the GSRP program in the fall.  My stepdad was a special education teacher so he helped us get in touch with the right people at the CISD to have Caleb tested through the school.  This started him on the path to get much needed help.  In the beginning I felt that it was all my fault.  If I had just eaten better during the pregnancy, exercised more, taken more vitamins, whatever I could have possibly done different so he didn't have to be. We decided against having him medically diagnosed at that time.  We didn't want him medicated or stigmatized by that.  I really thought that the help the schools would give us would be enough to "cure" him.  Don't get me wrong, we have been SO BLESSED by the Marshall school district and everything they have done to support us and Caleb getting the help he needs.  Each year we get an IEP and set goals for him to work on.  Each year has had it's own set of struggles, but we have seen improvement each year.

My baby's life has changed so much over the last 15 months.  His world has been turned upside down more than once.  This has started me blaming myself again for not being a good enough wife or mother so that his family could stay unified.  As much as I blame myself it can't be changed.  I have tried to take on an attitude of where do we go from here?  Since his dad moved overseas 4 months ago Caleb has had a regression in his behavior and attitude.  Cognitively he has the smarts to allow him to progress in school each year but his social behaviors are still lacking and getting worse.  At school he is a little better but once he gets home or is with family members he is really acting out.  This is what got the discussion going with having him medically diagnosed.  Some have voiced to me how I should have done it a long time ago and hopefully it isn't too late.  Please don't say those things to me.  I am doing the best I can as a mother, especially now that I am completely on my own.  I feel so alone in this process.  Please understand, Caleb's entire family (both sides) have been especially supportive of us; even more so with this situation.  But as a parent, I feel alone.  Like it is all up to me to deal with the doctors, make the appointments, follow through with everything, work full time, pay the bills, take care of the house and so forth.  So if I seem quiet, sad or overwhelmed keep telling me you love me and keep doing what you're doing.  Just please don't tell me I should have done this or that.  It doesn't do anything but make me feel like even more of a failure as a parent.  I will make sure not to point out my opinion on all of the things I think you should have done differently with your children.  I love my children more than I love myself and want what is best for them.  I am doing my best to make wise and correct choices for my children, especially with what effects their future.

With all of this being said, thank you so much for your love and support whether it be a prayer, a pat on the back, a hug or more.  Every little bit counts and we're all in this together.  It takes a village to raise a child and we are really going to need you now more than ever.

Butterflies

Days like today make me so happy!  When we were leaving work my friend Chris asked if the warmer weather gives me butterflies and it sure does.  It motivates me like a New Year's resolution might motivate others.  I want to throw back the curtains and open every window and door in my house.  I want to pull everything out of my garage and rearrange it and get things separated out for the garage sale my sister and I are doing in April.  It makes me want to go for walks and hear my children's laughter from the kitchen window as I cook dinner and listen to upbeat music.  Tonight was one of those nights.  I had Spotify playing as I was trying out a new chicken recipe.  It was pretty good.  I found it on Pinterest (big surprise there, I know).  It was called melt in your mouth chicken.  The kids loved it.  My mouth is really watering for a big fat juicy steak and baked potato.  If this weather sticks around long enough I might be breaking the grill out.  This weather also has made me think of everything I am grateful for and that list keeps getting longer and longer.  My butterflies are fluttering and singing a happy tune.  Who knows, maybe I'll be lucky to get butterflies this year for someone that makes my heart sing.  Anything seems possible with the beauty of a new sunshiny day.  This song says it all! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NaCCG7QkM_c

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

What a weird and amazing day all wrapped into one!  Started the morning off by not waking up to my alarm so we were in high alert mode trying to get ready. Once we got to the car it was partially frozen so Caleb helped me navigate.  Got to work and jumped head first into the tasks at hand.  Forgot my leftovers for lunch (and ate crackers for breakfast) so I went to Subway to eat healthy.  Well anybody who knows the Subway on Columbia knows that the parking stinks.  I was pulling into a spot and scraped the back bumper of the pickup next to me.  I got out to survey the damage to his truck and there was nothing.  No scuff or mark, solid as a rock.  I figured my car was fine and went to get my sandwich.  I later noticed while taking the garbage out at work that I had actually dented and cracked the front left fender of my car.  Oy vay!  Then as I was working this afternoon I noticed that my sweater had gotten caught in the caster and tore the pocket part way off.  By that point I was feeling way overwhelmed.  My awesome sister Jessica called to see if they could come over for FHE (that's Family Home Evening for any non-LDS readers) so they could help start our spring cleaning.  My mom and sister were already coming over for FHE to do that.  I readily agreed - many hands make light work.  But then I started agonizing on what I would feed my kids for dinner and I wanted to get the house picked up before people actually started showing up.  So I called up my saint of a mother and asked if the kids could come over there and have dinner so I could get home and get it settled before everyone showed up and she readily agreed.  Start time was set for 6:30 and I arrived home from work about 6:15.  Luckily everyone was fashionably late so I didn't have to rush and stress myself out.  I had 8 family members and between all 11 of us both kids rooms were cleaned and organized.  The basement family room, Wii room and laundry were all cleaned and organized.  Sonny cleaned my Dyson within an inch of it's life and took the old mattress set to the garage for junk days.  My mom and sister took bags of blankets and towels home to wash for me to help get my laundry out of control.  The Christmas tree and decorations are finally down and we are starting to get somewhere.  There is still a lot to do but what we get done was so fantastic!  What we got done in 1-2 hours time would've taken me days to do alone.  I still have a lot of stuff to go through to get ready for the garage sale and my room will take a day of it's own but we're getting there.  I AM SO BLESSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I have a big attitude of gratitude today for all that the Lord has given me.  I would be nowhere without the love and support of my family.  I so hope I get to return the favor someday.  Even though I felt like nothing was going right today in the end it was the perfect day.  I hope you all had an excellent day too!