Days like today just make me want to give up. I'm tired of the fighting, the hurting, the crying, the pain. I'm tired of all the thoughts and questions that go through my mind. I'm tired of the insecurities that I feel and my children feel. I'm tired of not being able to be everything my children need. I'm tired of it all. I just want to crawl into bed never to wake up to this nightmare. I'm mad that 10 years ago I believed all of your lies and empty promises. I'm tired of you off living a life of ease, few responsibilities or cares. I'm mad that because you couldn't cope you ran. I'm mad that I'm left carrying it all on my shoulders. It's like trying to keep a fistful of sand in my hand without any grains falling through the cracks of my fingers. I'm mad that when you leave again you'll go on your merry way and not look back while I start over again in picking up the pieces. I'm mad that your new life is more important than the two most amazing things you ever did and were so willing and eager to leave them. I'm tired of trying to convince them of your love and that it wasn't anything they did. I'm tired of trying to analyze every day we had and what I did wrong and what I should have done so those two blessings wouldn't have had to endure such hurt, pain and agony. I'm tired of days like today where I feel like I'm barely keeping it together. And while I'm tired of all this you're living it up not giving a damn about any of it. You'll show up for your vacation and make things all fun and a party while I'm left being the disciplinarian and the one who sticks with it day in and day out. I try to understand the fairness in it all and there isn't any. I hate you both for it and don't know if forgiveness will ever come. That is foreign to me because I am usually so filled with forgiveness. I think as a mother it is hard enough to ever have to watch your children suffer, hurt and be insecure. But it is so much harder when deep down you feel the same way. I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can handle you strutting her around like a peacock with it's feathers up. I don't know if I can handle the thought of strangers assuming she is their mother when she isn't and never will be. She doesn't know them and at this rate never will. I'm tired of not being able to scream at the top of my lungs it is all his fault. He chose to leave you. He chose to break up his family. He chose to run instead of fight. He took the easy way out. I'm so tired of it all that I want to give up. But the thing is, I can't and I won't. I will try to wake up tomorrow and put a smile on my face. I will try and smooth things over with my 5 year old whom I fought with for 2 hours tonight to go to sleep. I will try to give them all the love they need to make up for the love you took away from them. I will keep fighting for their happiness and well being. And there will be days like today and nights like tonight where for a few minutes I give up. I give in to the grief and despair. I scream and cry and wail like a child. I will get it out of my system, pull my big girl panties up again and start over. It's all I can do. If I were to really give up, the only ones destroyed by it would be the only ones I do it all for. They're worth it. They're mine and we're going to make it. Come hell or high water we are going to endure this nightmare and come out on the other side. I don't know how I'm going to do it but all I know is I have to. That is the responsibility I accepted when I chose to bring these two spirits into this world. They didn't choose this. I didn't choose this. But we will learn how to deal with it together. So call me a terrible mother, call me whatever you want. But you will never be able to say I didn't try my best. Whatever I can't do I'm counting on the Lord to pick up the slack. Some of you may not believe in God or a higher power but I do. I am his child and he has entrusted these two little ones into my care. I think he will be there carrying us when I can't do it and need a break. I'm thankful for that knowledge.
P.S. Sorry to be Debbie Downer but I needed to vent and I use this blog as a therapeutic tool in addition to being a journal. It helps me to feel better to just get it off my chest but have it to look back on to help me be extra thankful on my good days.
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