A New Beginning

As spring is blooming all around me it is a constant reminder of the beauty of our earth and that we all go through different seasons in life.  I feel as if I've come out of a dark and dreary winter that lasted way too long and I am budding through the ground reaching for the light of the sun.  Especially when I read back on some of my past posts.  The past 2-1/2 weeks I've proven different things to myself with situations in my personal life.  Moments that I dreaded and dealt with better than I thought originally possible.  I'm proud of myself for standing up and facing the realities that are laid before me.  I have stood up for myself to myself if that makes sense.  I want to be a better me.  It takes time, effort, goals and encouragement.  I've got some time, the effort might take extra work at times and the goals are deeply etched in my brain.  I have the encouragement of my children, family, friends, co-workers, students, church family and those I don't even know very well.  How much luckier could I be?  Now as long as I can keep on the track, I am OK with it being a slow journey.  Just as long as I continue to inch my way towards that light at the end of the tunnel.   So I'm sending my positive vibe out to the universe and to my village.  Let's support each other!

I Feel Like Giving Up

Days like today just make me want to give up.  I'm tired of the fighting, the hurting, the crying, the pain.  I'm tired of all the thoughts and questions that go through my mind.  I'm tired of the insecurities that I feel and my children feel.  I'm tired of not being able to be everything my children need.  I'm tired of it all.  I just want to crawl into bed never to wake up to this nightmare. I'm mad that 10 years ago I believed all of your lies and empty promises.  I'm tired of you off living a life of ease, few responsibilities or cares.  I'm mad that because you couldn't cope you ran.  I'm mad that I'm left carrying it all on my shoulders.  It's like trying to keep a fistful of sand in my hand without any grains falling through the cracks of my fingers.  I'm mad that when you leave again you'll go on your merry way and not look back while I start over again in picking up the pieces.  I'm mad that your new life is more important than the two most amazing things you ever did and were so willing and eager to leave them.  I'm tired of trying to convince them of your love and that it wasn't anything they did.  I'm tired of trying to analyze every day we had and what I did wrong and what I should have done so those two blessings wouldn't have had to endure such hurt, pain and agony.  I'm tired of days like today where I feel like I'm barely keeping it together.  And while I'm tired of all this you're living it up not giving a damn about any of it.  You'll show up for your vacation and make things all fun and a party while I'm left being the disciplinarian and the one who sticks with it day in and day out.  I try to understand the fairness in it all and there isn't any.  I hate you both for it and don't know if forgiveness will ever come.  That is foreign to me because I am usually so filled with forgiveness.  I think as a mother it is hard enough to ever have to watch your children suffer, hurt and be insecure.  But it is so much harder when deep down you feel the same way.  I don't know if I can do it.  I don't know if I can handle you strutting her around like a peacock with it's feathers up.  I don't know if I can handle the thought of strangers assuming she is their mother when she isn't and never will be.  She doesn't know them and at this rate never will.   I'm tired of not being able to scream at the top of my lungs it is all his fault.  He chose to leave you.  He chose to break up his family.  He chose to run instead of fight.  He took the easy way out.  I'm so tired of it all that I want to give up.  But the thing is, I can't and I won't.  I will try to wake up tomorrow and put a smile on my face.  I will try and smooth things over with my 5 year old whom I fought with for 2 hours tonight to go to sleep.  I will try to give them all the love they need to make up for the love you took away from them.  I will keep fighting for their happiness and well being.  And there will be days like today and nights like tonight where for a few minutes I give up.  I give in to the grief and despair.  I scream and cry and wail like a child.  I will get it out of my system, pull my big girl panties up again and start over.  It's all I can do.  If I were to really give up, the only ones destroyed by it would be the only ones I do it all for.  They're worth it.  They're mine and we're going to make it.  Come hell or high water we are going to endure this nightmare and come out on the other side.  I don't know how I'm going to do it but all I know is I have to.  That is the responsibility I accepted when I chose to bring these two spirits into this world.  They didn't choose this.  I didn't choose this.  But we will learn how to deal with it together.  So call me a terrible mother, call me whatever you want.  But you will never be able to say I didn't try my best.  Whatever I can't do I'm counting on the Lord to pick up the slack.    Some of you may not believe in God or a higher power but I do.  I am his child and he has entrusted these two little ones into my care.  I think he will be there carrying us when I can't do it and need a break.  I'm thankful for that knowledge.

P.S.  Sorry to be Debbie Downer but I needed to vent and I use this blog as a therapeutic tool in addition to being a journal.  It helps me to feel better to just get it off my chest but have it to look back on to help me be extra thankful on my good days.

Thankful for...

I am so thankful for the beautiful weather we are having (but not the early onslaught of mosquitoes).  To be able to turn off the heat and open the house up is invigorating and empowering.  I have a lot on my plate this week with our yearly audit.  It is like having someone going through everything you do with a fine tooth comb and tell you every mistake you made.  And just the "right" mistake could cost your employer money or their business.  It is very intense.  I usually have a good idea as to what mistakes I have made but this past year and a half has been like a roller coaster and I really have no clue.  Usually ignorance is bliss.  Not in this case!  We will see what they come up with.  I am thankful to have a job that I enjoy and work in the industry that I love.  It may not be my dream job but it is a great one.  I have so much to be thankful for and I keep trying to remind myself of that each day.  I am also trying really hard to use my "inside voice" at all times.  I tend to be a screamer and it really does not benefit me or the children at all.  I have found that when I get really stressed out with their behavior or actions I am really so angry deep down with having been left to deal with it all on my own that it spills out into how I react.  I am thankful to be able to recognize that and hopefully curtail it when I feel it boiling up inside.  My kids deserve a mother who is always trying to be calm, kind, soft spoken and loving (although I am not sure those things will always happen at the same time).  What are you thankful for?

Promise Yourself

Just loving this dark and stormy night, our first real one of the year and am loving every minute of it.  I was on Pinterest and came across this quote on my friend Angie Lantz's board and had to share.  It is by Christian D. Larson.  http://pinterest.com/pin/57350595224844318/  I feel like I am having to remind myself of these same things each day.  I easily get discouraged and overwhelmed.  Somehow I have to find the strength to let go of the hurt and pain so I can move forward and be everything I want to be and everything everyone else needs to be.  That's why I love to write this blog for myself as a journal.  I can learn new things and be reminded of things I have learned and forgot.  I am going to make a promise to myself to keep trying.  To have the courage to deal with the big and the little things, now matter how hard they are or may seem to be.  It is kind of like Dory in Finding Nemo when she says, "just keep swimming, just keep swimming".  I have been repeating that over and over in my head lately.  Let's keep swimming together!

My Squirrel

Ever since my Caleb was born we have called him Squirrel.  I can't remember what started it but it has always been that way and boy does it fit!  He is like a squirrel, always on the go.  I have had a lot of one on one time with him this weekend.  It started last night with our first date to the mother/son dance and activity.  We played, shook our groove thing and had Subway for dinner.  Tonight his sister is having a sleepover at Grandma and Grandpa's with her cousin Jorgie.  We ate fried chicken and now I am watching him play Wii.  He loves to have me watch him play Wii.  He is one of the loves of my life and I choke up just thinking about him leaving and going to college someday.

My dreams and goals for him are the same as any mother would have for her child.  I want him to be happy, always do his best, honest, spiritual, well liked, smart, college bound, respectful, obedient and so forth.  I sometimes worry how far he will make it.  Caleb isn't like all 7 year old kids.  He is borderline Aspergers according to the school and after much thought, prayer and discussion I have started the ball rolling on having him medically diagnosed.  When Caleb was first with us on earth we lived in Georgia and were very sheltered.  By sheltered I mean, without family and very few friends.  Caleb had us, his babysitter, the kids in nursery and the kids at the playground he went to everyday with his dad.  Being our first born we didn't see anything wrong with him.  He was a little rambunctious like most kids and didn't talk a whole lot but we assumed that was normal.  After Layla was born and we moved back to Michigan things started to get harder.  Especially at church.  He would have meltdowns every Sunday.  Finally my mother-in-law mentioned there might be something wrong with him.  That was very hard for me to take at first.  We all expect our children to be born "perfect".  When I questioned my mother on her opinion and she agreed.  By this time Caleb was 3 years old and we wanted to get him into the GSRP program in the fall.  My stepdad was a special education teacher so he helped us get in touch with the right people at the CISD to have Caleb tested through the school.  This started him on the path to get much needed help.  In the beginning I felt that it was all my fault.  If I had just eaten better during the pregnancy, exercised more, taken more vitamins, whatever I could have possibly done different so he didn't have to be. We decided against having him medically diagnosed at that time.  We didn't want him medicated or stigmatized by that.  I really thought that the help the schools would give us would be enough to "cure" him.  Don't get me wrong, we have been SO BLESSED by the Marshall school district and everything they have done to support us and Caleb getting the help he needs.  Each year we get an IEP and set goals for him to work on.  Each year has had it's own set of struggles, but we have seen improvement each year.

My baby's life has changed so much over the last 15 months.  His world has been turned upside down more than once.  This has started me blaming myself again for not being a good enough wife or mother so that his family could stay unified.  As much as I blame myself it can't be changed.  I have tried to take on an attitude of where do we go from here?  Since his dad moved overseas 4 months ago Caleb has had a regression in his behavior and attitude.  Cognitively he has the smarts to allow him to progress in school each year but his social behaviors are still lacking and getting worse.  At school he is a little better but once he gets home or is with family members he is really acting out.  This is what got the discussion going with having him medically diagnosed.  Some have voiced to me how I should have done it a long time ago and hopefully it isn't too late.  Please don't say those things to me.  I am doing the best I can as a mother, especially now that I am completely on my own.  I feel so alone in this process.  Please understand, Caleb's entire family (both sides) have been especially supportive of us; even more so with this situation.  But as a parent, I feel alone.  Like it is all up to me to deal with the doctors, make the appointments, follow through with everything, work full time, pay the bills, take care of the house and so forth.  So if I seem quiet, sad or overwhelmed keep telling me you love me and keep doing what you're doing.  Just please don't tell me I should have done this or that.  It doesn't do anything but make me feel like even more of a failure as a parent.  I will make sure not to point out my opinion on all of the things I think you should have done differently with your children.  I love my children more than I love myself and want what is best for them.  I am doing my best to make wise and correct choices for my children, especially with what effects their future.

With all of this being said, thank you so much for your love and support whether it be a prayer, a pat on the back, a hug or more.  Every little bit counts and we're all in this together.  It takes a village to raise a child and we are really going to need you now more than ever.

Butterflies

Days like today make me so happy!  When we were leaving work my friend Chris asked if the warmer weather gives me butterflies and it sure does.  It motivates me like a New Year's resolution might motivate others.  I want to throw back the curtains and open every window and door in my house.  I want to pull everything out of my garage and rearrange it and get things separated out for the garage sale my sister and I are doing in April.  It makes me want to go for walks and hear my children's laughter from the kitchen window as I cook dinner and listen to upbeat music.  Tonight was one of those nights.  I had Spotify playing as I was trying out a new chicken recipe.  It was pretty good.  I found it on Pinterest (big surprise there, I know).  It was called melt in your mouth chicken.  The kids loved it.  My mouth is really watering for a big fat juicy steak and baked potato.  If this weather sticks around long enough I might be breaking the grill out.  This weather also has made me think of everything I am grateful for and that list keeps getting longer and longer.  My butterflies are fluttering and singing a happy tune.  Who knows, maybe I'll be lucky to get butterflies this year for someone that makes my heart sing.  Anything seems possible with the beauty of a new sunshiny day.  This song says it all! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NaCCG7QkM_c

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

What a weird and amazing day all wrapped into one!  Started the morning off by not waking up to my alarm so we were in high alert mode trying to get ready. Once we got to the car it was partially frozen so Caleb helped me navigate.  Got to work and jumped head first into the tasks at hand.  Forgot my leftovers for lunch (and ate crackers for breakfast) so I went to Subway to eat healthy.  Well anybody who knows the Subway on Columbia knows that the parking stinks.  I was pulling into a spot and scraped the back bumper of the pickup next to me.  I got out to survey the damage to his truck and there was nothing.  No scuff or mark, solid as a rock.  I figured my car was fine and went to get my sandwich.  I later noticed while taking the garbage out at work that I had actually dented and cracked the front left fender of my car.  Oy vay!  Then as I was working this afternoon I noticed that my sweater had gotten caught in the caster and tore the pocket part way off.  By that point I was feeling way overwhelmed.  My awesome sister Jessica called to see if they could come over for FHE (that's Family Home Evening for any non-LDS readers) so they could help start our spring cleaning.  My mom and sister were already coming over for FHE to do that.  I readily agreed - many hands make light work.  But then I started agonizing on what I would feed my kids for dinner and I wanted to get the house picked up before people actually started showing up.  So I called up my saint of a mother and asked if the kids could come over there and have dinner so I could get home and get it settled before everyone showed up and she readily agreed.  Start time was set for 6:30 and I arrived home from work about 6:15.  Luckily everyone was fashionably late so I didn't have to rush and stress myself out.  I had 8 family members and between all 11 of us both kids rooms were cleaned and organized.  The basement family room, Wii room and laundry were all cleaned and organized.  Sonny cleaned my Dyson within an inch of it's life and took the old mattress set to the garage for junk days.  My mom and sister took bags of blankets and towels home to wash for me to help get my laundry out of control.  The Christmas tree and decorations are finally down and we are starting to get somewhere.  There is still a lot to do but what we get done was so fantastic!  What we got done in 1-2 hours time would've taken me days to do alone.  I still have a lot of stuff to go through to get ready for the garage sale and my room will take a day of it's own but we're getting there.  I AM SO BLESSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I have a big attitude of gratitude today for all that the Lord has given me.  I would be nowhere without the love and support of my family.  I so hope I get to return the favor someday.  Even though I felt like nothing was going right today in the end it was the perfect day.  I hope you all had an excellent day too!

Is the weekend over already?

It seems as if this weekend went by more quickly than normal and I wish it was at least another day longer.  Lots on my financial aid director/admissions plate at work this week so I need to stay focused on the tasks at hand.  Going to my first Single Adult fireside tonight was a nice change of pace.  I was actually surprised at the turnout.  My new friend Gabby gave a very moving and spirit filled talk/testimony.  We always need to be reminded that we are loved by our Father in heaven and we have a purpose in His kingdom at any stage in our life.  It is a horrible feeling to think we are useless but the Lord never looks at us that way.  We each have something to give to someone at different moments in our life.  We just have to be open and hear the spirit whisper to us when that chance is in front of us.  Hopefully the future activities will be as uplifting and fun.   I don't know if I will ever get used to being single if that is all the Lord has in store for me. And if it is then I hope he gives me the ability to be ok with it.   As they told us tonight, as long as we live righteous lives and do our best then we will receive those blessings in heaven that we weren't able to receive here on earth.  I'm counting on it!  Happy new week everyone.

Negative Emotions - Oh How I Loathe Thee

**Warning - references to hormones and female "joy"s may be discussed in this post as well as a very personal look at our trials as a little family**

I decided to include a warning in case any men or women read my blog who are opposed to talking about such things.  This is not a post meant to bash anyone or throw rocks.  I apologize ahead of time if any of you take it that way and understand if you choose not to read it anymore.  Please remember this blog is a way for me to chronicle the good, the bad and the ugly in my little family's life so someday I can look back on it and say, "we did it - we survived!".    Hopefully you will understand that.  I have even opted to not link it through my FB as to not draw attention to it.

Today started out very well.  I slept in until 10ish then took a shower.  The kids and I got in the car to run our errands for the day.  We were all holding hands in the car forming a circle (well Caleb had my elbow, I did need one hand to drive).  The kids kept talking about how we are a family and they were so thankful.  Caleb even wanted to say a prayer to thank our Heavenly Father for that.  I was so happy!  Then it went downhill from there.  Layla is the type to want something from every store we go to (even the gas station) and she feels like she is owed it.  I'm not sure why she is this way.  I don't buy her something every time we go out. When she doesn't get it she starts to have a fit.  Now I am not above giving a spank when necessary I just prefer not to do it in a store full of witnesses and cameras.  It always turns into, you don't love me, you hate me, etc.  We finally made it home.  The kids played outside and I enjoyed being lazy on the computer watching My Ghost Story.  Kids came in and wanted their friend Alex to come in and play the Wii.  Initially I said no because the house hadn't been picked up yet.  Then I decided he could IF they picked up the basement and helped pick up the living room.  Layla actually was happy to help.  This time it was Caleb.  Getting him to do work is like getting an ant to pick up a brick and move it 1" most of the time.  He finally did and Alex came in.  I took a nap and then we headed over to Grandma Jo's for Aunt Mackenzie's birthday party.  It started out fine.  Caleb however got out of control quickly which gives me anxiety in a small house with so many people.  To top it off I have started feeling very hormonal today due to my "monthly friend" getting ready for her visit.  We finally left about 9 and came home.  Kids got in my bed and watched some tv.  When it came time for sleep Layla started to have one of her meltdowns.  I know it is worse when she is tired.  She gets so irrational and ridiculous with her behavior.  So we had a showdown of emotions.  Her tired, sad and missing daddy attitude versus the Queen B and Aunt Flo.  In the end there was no real winner.  I am ashamed at how upset I got and devastated at the underlying hurt that is always in her heart in regards to her dad choosing to leave and not be a real part of her life.  She never tells him what she is really feeling so I get to deal with all of the bottled up hurt and anger with both kids.  When I get so angry back, it really isn't at them it is at him.  Which is really at the root of all my kids hurt and anger.  These negative emotions are always swirling somewhere deep inside but we're usually able to keep them at bay with all of the love and positivity around us.

I wish that my children could sit down in a room with their dad and explain to him in terms he could understand just what his actions have done to them emotionally and mentally.  When a 5 year old little girl screams and begs for her daddy who is living and perfectly capable of being a part of her life it is just not right.   My dad died when I was 23.  An adult in all aspects but I still have that longing for him that only a child could have.  But I can't Skype or wait for his call.  I can't look through his pictures on Facebook.   I can do nothing but wait until the Lord calls me home and hope that my dad is there to take my hand.  I had 5 siblings that were 18 and younger living at home still when he died.  Little Mackenzie was only 4 and she is now 17 years old.  My dad would have NEVER chosen to leave his family.  He would have never wished for the emotional toll it took on his wife and children to go through losing him.  But he didn't have a choice.  It was out of his control.  That's what makes this situation in our little family so hard for me to understand.  This was the example I grew up with and I know that this is the example Matt grew up with.

Now don't get me wrong, when he was living here he was an excellent father.  I strongly remind you that this is not a bash my ex-husband kind of post. I don't believe in airing dirty laundry in detail like so many do on Facebook.   However, my blog is a way for me to journal what we are enduring and I have found it to be very therapeutic and this is just a post on how I am trying to deal with the cards that we have been dealt.  I truly never thought that this would be how my children's growing up would be but I can't change that. Just like I can't change having my dad die at such a young age.  I didn't choose it.  I am just left to deal with the broken pieces and try to put them back together again like a huge puzzle.  Some days I do great and then there are days like today I feel as if I failed.  The devil might think he accomplished in tearing my eternal family apart but he didn't and it only makes me want to fight harder and keep on trying.  I am so thankful to my village for being there and helping me find the missing pieces and put them back together.  We've all got our armor on ready for the fight.   I just hope that their dad and his new wife get it together and realize where he really needs to be right now and respect the fact that I am not like him.  I will never allow for my kids to grow up without me right by their side cheering them on and being a part of their every day accomplishments in life.   My first and most important job is to be their mother and I will do it to the best of my ability.  Negative emotions, bad moods, hormones and whatever else may come our way.

Pinterest

So I've been trying to decide what to post tonight but I keep getting sidetracked.  First by working on tax returns, then the Country Living website and Country Sampler website ending with Pinterest.  I've decided to make my prize from the tax return subscriptions to both of the aforementioned magazines.  I love the look and feel of country living but with all the conveniences of modern times.  I long to live in the country and enjoy mother nature all around me - the sights and sounds.  It makes me think of this song.   http://broadcast.lds.org/churchmusic/MP3/1/2/words/228.mp3 I love singing this to my babies when they are going to bed especially when they sing with me.  Heavenly Father has created such a beautiful world for us to live in and enjoy while on this earthly journey.  I love Pinterest because it lets me gather and organize all of my interests and goals in life.  I have seen so much amazing photography of locations all over the earth and am so thankful for the technology which allows us to experience something we may never get to in person.  So this is my first official plug for Pinterest.  If you aren't already following me you can click the link and we can catch up on Pinterest or Facebook.  If you would like a Pinterest invite let me know and I can get you hooked up.  Be careful, it's addicting!!!

The Joy of a Beautiful Day

What a beautiful day we had in Michigan!  I'm not sure what the exact high for today was but I would say at least 55 and it was awesome!  I didn't step a foot outside all day until I left work and there were beautiful dark gray clouds moving across the sky with the sun shining through.  I just love the way the light shines against the dark.  It made me long for spring time and for thunderstorms!  As some or most of you know I love a good storm.  Especially when you can watch it roll in.  My dream house is going to be in the country with a complete view of the weather as it rolls in from the west.  Our first apartment when we got married had that view and we loved to sit on the deck and just watch it roll in.  Even after the divorce was in process we all hopped in Matt's van to drive through the country and watch a storm as it rolled through.  I love the weather and Caleb really has a love for the weather.  He hopes to be a meteorologist some day and chase tornadoes.  What a fantastic goal!   He and I talked tonight about the importance of doing our homework and always doing our best so he can get good grades and go to college.  He is so focused on going to college some day to become a professional baseball player and a meteorologist.  His dad and I didn't go to college and we will be so pleased if our children go onto some sort of higher education.  Layla wants to be a dance teacher and own a studio like Miss Kathryn.  I am so stoked that my kids have goals like this!  I just hope I can help them stay excited about their future.  The spring like weather gets me excited and motivated.  I had a very productive day at work and came home and continued to be productive which has been VERY unlike me as of late.  I got the whole living room cleaned up, all of the school papers gone through, homework organized and garbage out of the kitchen in addition to cleaning the kitchen.  Layla helped me cut strawberries this evening and cover them in sugar so we could have strawberries with cool whip for our night time snack.  I just love doing these things with her.  I'm really hoping that with Caleb's future therapy I can get him more involved with using his hands on things other than the Wii remote.  All in all a very good day.  Layla did have a meltdown at Kmart but what day would be complete without a late run to Kmart and a temper tantrum?  Well I think our high for tomorrow is only 39 but it will be back up to 53 on Friday with thunderstorms.  Yeah for me!  It might be the perfect night for a Ghost Hunters or Ghost Adventures marathon.  I hope your leap day was as joyous as mine!!

Why do fools fall in love?

I've been trying to figure out how one goes about joining a "dating scene" when your religion is a huge part of who you are and what you want to have in your life.  Let's be honest - there are very few, if any, single LDS men in the surrounding area.  So does that mean online dating is all we have?  I've tried that off and on since July.  Thought I had met someone special which turned into a confusing limbo.  Now the idea of jumping back into that seems futile.  What is so hard about being honest with what you want out of life?  What is wrong with being open and real?  I've been trying to determine if it is just me and I don't have anything to offer men.  Is it my big and beautiful build?  Should I starve myself to compete with the plentiful thin and single Molly Mormons?  Do I lack a sense of humor?  Am I a boring conversationalist?  Maybe I just don't have what anyone wants and that is why I couldn't keep my husband in love with me.  These thoughts swirl and muddy my brain, mostly at night when the kids are in bed and I am laying in bed trying to turn my mind off.  Well if I just looked like "her" then someone might like me.  If I act "this way" maybe he'll like me.  When you feel like you have been yourself with those you have fallen for and they have rejected you time after time - what is a person supposed to think?  And single men could go for a woman who is way younger then them but if it were the other way around "it just isn't normal".  I've had one gentleman tell me he won't even consider a woman with children.  Well if you are 36 and never been married - should I not consider you?  Why must there be silly restrictions on who we can and can't fall in love with?  Would you pass up Mr. Right just because he had been married before or had kids or belly danced at a luau?  Ok that last one was a bit ridiculous but I feel like most restrictions are ridiculous.  Is it too scary for a man to think he might have to become a father figure to my children?  I don't know.  The questions are endless and there really are no good answers.  I guess I am just trying to figure out why things are the way they are.  I know the Lord does have a plan for me but I have to be an active part of that plan and try to reach the important righteous goals.  I had a great conversation with my cousin-in-law today about this sort of thing.  We can put things in God's hands, but if we sit on our couch Facebooking and Pinteresting (not words, I know) expecting him to drop it in our lap, isn't that missing the point?  We need to do our part to make things happen as well.  So for now I am going to pull my big girl panties up again and say it isn't me, it's "him".  I may have just been the best thing that you passed up.  Onward and upwards as the saying goes.  This fool so hope she falls in love again someday and that the fool she falls in love with has been waiting his whole life for a girl like her.

One week anniversary!!!

One week ago tonight I did my first blog post and I have really loved it so far!!  I am not even close to being a writer and I know that shows with each post but I have really found it therapeutic to get my thoughts down.  It also allows me to go back and re-read my "epiphany's" so I can stay on track.  I am scatterbrained most of the time so I love having it down.  I really want to make changes and get through these baby steps so when I have my one year anniversary I may have accomplished something huge!  The possibilities are endless!!  So thank you for following along and joining me on this journey.  I love you!!!!  Jerseylicious is on so gotta go!!!

Modern Family

Sunday's are my favorite day of the week.  No work, no errands to run.  Just church, relaxing and family.  Caleb went to his first non-family birthday party today and had a great time.  I'm always so thankful when we go to a function like this and the kids are excited to see him and run up to him.  You see, Caleb has struggled with not functioning socially like other children his age.  When he was 3 years old we had him tested through the CISD and their non-medical diagnosis was Aspbergers.  So we had an IEP set up and he has been getting  GREAT help from the MPS system in dealing with his issues.  In the beginning I was against  having him medically diagnosed and stigmatized.  He has greatly improved over the last 4 years.  However, this past year has been very trying on my little family.  We have seen a regression in him, mostly since November when his dad moved to France to be with his new wife.  You see Caleb's dad was a stay at home dad and a part of the kid's life 24/7.  Even after he moved out he was with the kids a good chunk of the time.  Now that Caleb's interaction with his dad is based on phone calls weekly Skype visits he is not functioning as well as he was.  I look at it like not being able to understand how you're feeling and not understanding how to process the feelings.  Whenever you ask him how he feels about anything that bothers him his response is "I don't know".  He doesn't like talking about it at all.  I came to the conclusion a couple of weeks ago, through discussion's with the grandma's, that it is time to have Caleb medically diagnosed.  I need to get him every tool possible out there to help him deal with emotions and how to socially interact with others.  We had his first appointment on Friday with the family doctor.  Pretty much they think he has a mild form of something on the Autism Spectrum Scale. He has regressed due to the high stress of his precious little life lately.  They kept reassuring me that it was mild.  They think that with the official diagnosis and getting him behavioral therapy that we should be able to help him get things under control.  Unless he is diagnosed with ADD or ADHD he shouldn't need medication.  I was very relieved to hear all of this.  As a mother you just want your children to be happy, more successful than you were and to enjoy this life they have been given.  When you have a child who doesn't function "normally" you are constantly worried about how they are behaving and are they fitting in with those around them?  Caleb is young for his grade.  He won't be 8 until October and everyone else in his class has turned 8 or is doing so before him.  He is very smart cognitively which has allowed him to be in the grade level he is.  However, if a teacher thinks he needs a little longer before moving on then I am all right with that too.  I have to rely on the experience of others when it comes to these things.  Thank goodness I have so many supportive and knowledgeable people in my village who truly care for Caleb's well being and are willing to approach me when the subject is a sensitive one.  No one wants to think their child is different and not able to keep up.  I am learning to have faith in the Lord's plan.  Do I wish that I could give my children back a normal family with a mom and dad all living together who love one another?  Absolutely.  Will that ever happen?  Not with their dad.  And he may never move back here permanently again.  I have got to keep on keepin' on and help my children to be strong, independent and able people.  And for Caleb that starts with a medical diagnosis and getting a bigger toolbox to keep all of our tools in.

Tonight I graciously invited ourselves over to my sister Jessica's house.  They were thrilled with the idea of being in my company, especially Sonny.  We ate spaghetti for dinner and I started her on her way of becoming addicted to Pinterest.  The kids played happily in the basement while Jess, Sonny and I started watching episodes of Modern Family.  I have always wanted to watch the show but never remember it's on.  Watching Claire and Phil with their three kids made me long for a "normal" family for my children to grow up in.  I was nostalgic and remembered the good times we had as a family.  But watching the show made me realize that my little 3 person family is my own version of a modern family.  While it isn't what I dreamed of while growing up it is our reality.  So here I sit typing in my chair with Layla draped over the back.  Her head on my shoulder while she snores away without a care in the world.  Caleb is in my room watching some show about a guy named Fred.  If there is anything my kids take from their childhood I hope it is all of the good memories and always knowing that they were loved completely.  By me, by their dad and by their village.

Taking it personal

I LIKE  my mama.  Thank you Layla I like you too.  Layla insisted on writing the first line tonight. She is a little mad at me right now.  I have been nauseous since last night and so tired.  She wants to lay all over me and I just can't handle it.  She is so loving but takes it so personal sometimes.  That is a trait that most of us if not all have to a degree.  I have been known to have my fair share of taking things too personally.  I have learned that when in doubt talk it out.  If someone has hurt you or your feelings.  Talk to them about it.  Don't let it stew or all it will do is end up hurting only you in the end.  We have to give the offenders a chance to apologize.  I have hurt peoples feelings in the past, intentionally (I know, you thought I was a saint) and unintentionally.  I have found that I feel just as bad for the unintentional mishaps as I do for the intentional.  It might feel rewarding for a moment but it seems I always end up apologizing for going to far.  So if I have hurt your feelings or taken something personally that I shouldn't have I apologize.  My brain works in overtime sometimes trying to predict the outcome to every situation.  I think it has something to do with being a Capricorn.  So thank you village for loving me unconditionally and putting up with my wacky ways and crazy ways of thinking some days.

Family is family is family

My babies are nice and clean snuggled in my bed watching Diego.  I have to work tomorrow which I normally don't because of their mid-winter break and babysitting arrangements.  It's going to be hard because I have gotten so used to being with them every Saturday.  They will be in good hands, however, with Aunt Mackenzie.  They were really lucky to hang out at Aunt Jessica's most of today and the rest with cousin Kayla. I am so proud of Kayla and I am only her aunt!  She is 12 years old and such an excellent babysitter.  She has had little, if any, experience outside of her own brothers.  Jessica and Sonny have done an amazing job with raising her.  I do think it is true that kids are normally better for everyone but their own parents, but she is going to be an awesome woman someday  I am lucky to be her aunt and part of her life.  What a priceless asset she and the rest of my family are to our village!

Speaking of family, I was blessed today to give service to my mother-in-law today.  I know, I know you might be thinking, isn't she your (ex)mother-in-law?  Technically speaking, yes.  But I have known my in-laws since I was 16 years old and have always called them mamma and dadda.  It actually feels weird to call them my ex in-laws or any of his extended family that.  Although I easily refer to Matt as my ex-husband.  :)  I regard all of Matt's family as my family still and I always will. I know that they will always feel the same way about me.  Have we had our ups and downs?  Sure - all families do, especially when you work with each other.  At the end of the day we are all here for each other.  So this was my turn to give back.  Terri is very generous to others and is always there to help lift you up.  She had surgery this week and needed some extra help tonight. She is not good at asking for help from others on a personal level and she wasn't expecting me so I wasn't sure if she would let me help.    I was so thankful at her willingness to let me be there for her.  It is not often I get to do something like this for someone and it made my soul feel good.  I really needed this opportunity and I think Heavenly Father played a hand in making it happen.

I read recently on a friend's Facebook page, "Family is more than just DNA, it is who you have in your life and people who take care of each other".  That is what is so awesome about each of our villages.  It can be made up with people who have the same DNA or don't, but if you love and take care of each other then that is all that matters.  So I like to say family is family is family.

Slumber party!!!

So the kids end up in my bed every night but on Friday and Saturday nights I normally let them start off in my bed for "slumber parties".  Since there is no school tomorrow I am letting them tonight.  We're drinking hot chocolate with whipping cream and have been watching Nick Jr.  I am in the middle of Caleb and Layla, two cats, 9 pillows, and two pillow pets all on a queen size bed.  Let's just say part of my left leg is hanging off the bed, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  Every parent(s) have different rules with letting their kids in bed with them.  In the past when they would get in bed with me and Matt he would usually take them back to bed and they would stay there, if they got in at all.  I don't remember feeling strongly one way or the other.  Now that our lives have taken such a turn, if they want to get in bed with me I am happy to allow it.  There are moments I wish I had the whole bed to myself all night long but I know there will come a time when they will stop snuggling me in bed and wanting to have me all to themselves.  I am going to enjoy every minute I get with them.  There may be arguing in the middle of the night of who is touching who (I always get stuck in the middle and much prefer the edge) and usually there is some kind of crumb I am sweeping out of my bed.  One thing I can say is a positive from the divorce is that I have so much alone time with the kids that I think that we are all closer than ever.  I want them to know they can come to me and tell me anything knowing I will love them unconditionally.  There may be consequences they don't enjoy but that is what happens in life.  I will always love them for who they are not just for who I hope they are some day.  Do you ever have slumber parties with your kids?  I highly recommend it.  There's nothing like waking up with your babies snuggled up and draped all over you.  Come on, try it this weekend!  Especially if you live in Marshall and have mid-winter break.  Enjoy those babies!!!

Lifting each other up

Had a conversation with a good friend today who is suffering from the same fears, anxiety and depression I have been experiencing this past year.  The circumstances instigating it are different but I could understand exactly how they were feeling at this time.  Anxiety and depression are something I have dealt with in the past but I have never dealt with them at such a deep level before.  The depression is crippling and overwhelming.  It eats away at every part of you leaving you feeling small and worthless.  The anxiety heightens it and makes you feel like you are fighting to get out of your own skin.  One day you think you are turning a corner and the next you fell hysterical and back at square one.  I am thankful for the medication I can take to help control it.  I have realized, maybe only as of today, that I am doing the best I can.  Maybe my house isn't spotless, my laundry caught up or my house beautifully organized as the suggestions I see on Pinterest.  I may not do crafts with my children or bake them cookies everyday.  But I get up each morning and get myself to work.  My kids are progressing well in school and they are coming to terms (to some degree) with how our life is now even though their daddy is so far away.  We have food to eat, warm beds and best of all we have so much love in our home.  Weekends are the hardest for me.  I feel my most overwhelmed and sad.  Right now not much gets done around the house.  But I know it won't last forever and that feels empowering.  I have had this epiphany and maybe, just maybe, it might slowly start getting better from this point on.  But if it doesn't happen as quickly as my mind says it should I am going to lay off of myself and take it one day at a time.  I have also learned through this process to not judge others because we don't know what they're going through.  I want to show compassion to those around me.  Be a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen and have arms to hold you up when you feel you can't take another step.  My village has done that for me and will continue to do so whenever I need it or my babies need it.  Maybe being a part of my friends village will allow that me to do it for her.  Friend, I love you and am here for you.  Tomorrow is a new day and a new chance.  So is each one after that. Remember you are loved by your village around you and your Father in Heaven.  Thomas S. Monson is the prophet of the church I belong to, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  He is pictured below with his quote that I felt was perfect for this post.

A time to forgive

Things have finally quieted down for the night leaving me to reflect on the day.  I often wonder how I got to this place in my life.  The answer is obvious, it is a reflection of the choices I have made.  Some were bad and some were good but our choices leave us where we are.  Would I change any choices I have made in my past?  Probably a few such as going to lunch with my dad the day he showed up at my work and I was "too busy".  That happened while he was sick.  I was so sure he would beat cancer, little did I know it was my last opportunity.  I could have been more respectful to my mother when I was a teenager, managed my money better, figured out how to make my marriage last before it was swept away.  What I have to keep reminding myself is I can't change the past.  My dad is in a better place and hopefully he knows how much I regret that day.  I can show respect to my mother now and teach my children  to have respect for her and hopefully me.  I can manage my money better now and get to the point where I don't feel stretched.  I can learn to forgive myself for the mistakes I made in my marriage and learn from them.  If I am blessed to meet a special someone someday, I can remember the things I want to do better and I know now to expect better from him.  Why is it so hard to forgive ourselves?  I am one of the most forgiving people I know.  There are very few people in my life at this moment whom I know I will forgive someday but am not capable of at this very moment.  For the most part I forgive easily and quickly with no thought of it again.  I, however, beat myself up day after day on all of the things I have done wrong and how it got me to this time and place.  So today I pledge to myself to start finding ways to forgive myself, let go of the past and be me.  Not just a mom, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, employee.  But Sarah Christine Banister - who am I and what do I want in life?  It won't happen overnight but I know that every time I try to better myself it will make me better for those around me and especially my children.  It will make me a better mom, future wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend and employee. I know I can't do it on my own.  I need the strength of my older brother, Jesus Christ, along with the love and support of my village.  How did I get so lucky to be at this place at this time?

There's a first time for everything!

I read many uplifting and heartwarming blogs.  I am amazed at how eloquently they are written and how "perfect" their lives seem.  We all have our ups and downs in life.  I've often wondered if I have anything worthwhile to write or share?  This past year and a half have been the hardest of my life and for the life of my children.  But we are a little bit stronger each day and we aren't doing it on our own.  We are surrounded by the most loving, kind and giving "village" one could ask for.  What village do you ask?  This is a unique village that is inhabited by everyone who is a part of my life and the lives of Caleb and Layla.  We each have our own village in life.  This blog is to help me keep a journal of the happenings and never forget how a village helped raise not just one child but three.  I include myself because we are all children of a loving Heavenly Father and he has placed me here at this time with these awesome people around me.  So hold on tight - we're in for a bumpy ride!