Tuesday, February 21, 2012
A time to forgive
Things have finally quieted down for the night leaving me to reflect on the day. I often wonder how I got to this place in my life. The answer is obvious, it is a reflection of the choices I have made. Some were bad and some were good but our choices leave us where we are. Would I change any choices I have made in my past? Probably a few such as going to lunch with my dad the day he showed up at my work and I was "too busy". That happened while he was sick. I was so sure he would beat cancer, little did I know it was my last opportunity. I could have been more respectful to my mother when I was a teenager, managed my money better, figured out how to make my marriage last before it was swept away. What I have to keep reminding myself is I can't change the past. My dad is in a better place and hopefully he knows how much I regret that day. I can show respect to my mother now and teach my children to have respect for her and hopefully me. I can manage my money better now and get to the point where I don't feel stretched. I can learn to forgive myself for the mistakes I made in my marriage and learn from them. If I am blessed to meet a special someone someday, I can remember the things I want to do better and I know now to expect better from him. Why is it so hard to forgive ourselves? I am one of the most forgiving people I know. There are very few people in my life at this moment whom I know I will forgive someday but am not capable of at this very moment. For the most part I forgive easily and quickly with no thought of it again. I, however, beat myself up day after day on all of the things I have done wrong and how it got me to this time and place. So today I pledge to myself to start finding ways to forgive myself, let go of the past and be me. Not just a mom, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, employee. But Sarah Christine Banister - who am I and what do I want in life? It won't happen overnight but I know that every time I try to better myself it will make me better for those around me and especially my children. It will make me a better mom, future wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend and employee. I know I can't do it on my own. I need the strength of my older brother, Jesus Christ, along with the love and support of my village. How did I get so lucky to be at this place at this time?
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I think there's a reason why everyone used to say that you and I were twins - I do the exact same thing. Even the people I feel like I shouldn't have to forgive I still do eventually, yet when it comes to forgiving myself for something it's out of the question. Maybe because I usually make the mistake when I knew better and I still did it anyway? Typically if it was a mistake I didn't know I was making, I have a much easier time forgiving myself because, well, I didn't know any better. But when I did know exactly what I was doing and that it was wrong, those are the times that I have a really hard time forgiving myself. But my bishop was telling me on Sunday during a conversation we were having that Christ forgives frankly - all we have to do is ask for it and He'll forgive us. The hard part is forgiving ourselves. Chin up, you deserve happiness and Christ wants you to know He's forgiven you of any and all mistakes you've made if you've simply asked for the forgiveness. You'll make it, kid.
ReplyDeleteYou'll make it too my twin!!! I love you!!!
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