My Squirrel

Ever since my Caleb was born we have called him Squirrel.  I can't remember what started it but it has always been that way and boy does it fit!  He is like a squirrel, always on the go.  I have had a lot of one on one time with him this weekend.  It started last night with our first date to the mother/son dance and activity.  We played, shook our groove thing and had Subway for dinner.  Tonight his sister is having a sleepover at Grandma and Grandpa's with her cousin Jorgie.  We ate fried chicken and now I am watching him play Wii.  He loves to have me watch him play Wii.  He is one of the loves of my life and I choke up just thinking about him leaving and going to college someday.

My dreams and goals for him are the same as any mother would have for her child.  I want him to be happy, always do his best, honest, spiritual, well liked, smart, college bound, respectful, obedient and so forth.  I sometimes worry how far he will make it.  Caleb isn't like all 7 year old kids.  He is borderline Aspergers according to the school and after much thought, prayer and discussion I have started the ball rolling on having him medically diagnosed.  When Caleb was first with us on earth we lived in Georgia and were very sheltered.  By sheltered I mean, without family and very few friends.  Caleb had us, his babysitter, the kids in nursery and the kids at the playground he went to everyday with his dad.  Being our first born we didn't see anything wrong with him.  He was a little rambunctious like most kids and didn't talk a whole lot but we assumed that was normal.  After Layla was born and we moved back to Michigan things started to get harder.  Especially at church.  He would have meltdowns every Sunday.  Finally my mother-in-law mentioned there might be something wrong with him.  That was very hard for me to take at first.  We all expect our children to be born "perfect".  When I questioned my mother on her opinion and she agreed.  By this time Caleb was 3 years old and we wanted to get him into the GSRP program in the fall.  My stepdad was a special education teacher so he helped us get in touch with the right people at the CISD to have Caleb tested through the school.  This started him on the path to get much needed help.  In the beginning I felt that it was all my fault.  If I had just eaten better during the pregnancy, exercised more, taken more vitamins, whatever I could have possibly done different so he didn't have to be. We decided against having him medically diagnosed at that time.  We didn't want him medicated or stigmatized by that.  I really thought that the help the schools would give us would be enough to "cure" him.  Don't get me wrong, we have been SO BLESSED by the Marshall school district and everything they have done to support us and Caleb getting the help he needs.  Each year we get an IEP and set goals for him to work on.  Each year has had it's own set of struggles, but we have seen improvement each year.

My baby's life has changed so much over the last 15 months.  His world has been turned upside down more than once.  This has started me blaming myself again for not being a good enough wife or mother so that his family could stay unified.  As much as I blame myself it can't be changed.  I have tried to take on an attitude of where do we go from here?  Since his dad moved overseas 4 months ago Caleb has had a regression in his behavior and attitude.  Cognitively he has the smarts to allow him to progress in school each year but his social behaviors are still lacking and getting worse.  At school he is a little better but once he gets home or is with family members he is really acting out.  This is what got the discussion going with having him medically diagnosed.  Some have voiced to me how I should have done it a long time ago and hopefully it isn't too late.  Please don't say those things to me.  I am doing the best I can as a mother, especially now that I am completely on my own.  I feel so alone in this process.  Please understand, Caleb's entire family (both sides) have been especially supportive of us; even more so with this situation.  But as a parent, I feel alone.  Like it is all up to me to deal with the doctors, make the appointments, follow through with everything, work full time, pay the bills, take care of the house and so forth.  So if I seem quiet, sad or overwhelmed keep telling me you love me and keep doing what you're doing.  Just please don't tell me I should have done this or that.  It doesn't do anything but make me feel like even more of a failure as a parent.  I will make sure not to point out my opinion on all of the things I think you should have done differently with your children.  I love my children more than I love myself and want what is best for them.  I am doing my best to make wise and correct choices for my children, especially with what effects their future.

With all of this being said, thank you so much for your love and support whether it be a prayer, a pat on the back, a hug or more.  Every little bit counts and we're all in this together.  It takes a village to raise a child and we are really going to need you now more than ever.