Negative Emotions - Oh How I Loathe Thee

**Warning - references to hormones and female "joy"s may be discussed in this post as well as a very personal look at our trials as a little family**

I decided to include a warning in case any men or women read my blog who are opposed to talking about such things.  This is not a post meant to bash anyone or throw rocks.  I apologize ahead of time if any of you take it that way and understand if you choose not to read it anymore.  Please remember this blog is a way for me to chronicle the good, the bad and the ugly in my little family's life so someday I can look back on it and say, "we did it - we survived!".    Hopefully you will understand that.  I have even opted to not link it through my FB as to not draw attention to it.

Today started out very well.  I slept in until 10ish then took a shower.  The kids and I got in the car to run our errands for the day.  We were all holding hands in the car forming a circle (well Caleb had my elbow, I did need one hand to drive).  The kids kept talking about how we are a family and they were so thankful.  Caleb even wanted to say a prayer to thank our Heavenly Father for that.  I was so happy!  Then it went downhill from there.  Layla is the type to want something from every store we go to (even the gas station) and she feels like she is owed it.  I'm not sure why she is this way.  I don't buy her something every time we go out. When she doesn't get it she starts to have a fit.  Now I am not above giving a spank when necessary I just prefer not to do it in a store full of witnesses and cameras.  It always turns into, you don't love me, you hate me, etc.  We finally made it home.  The kids played outside and I enjoyed being lazy on the computer watching My Ghost Story.  Kids came in and wanted their friend Alex to come in and play the Wii.  Initially I said no because the house hadn't been picked up yet.  Then I decided he could IF they picked up the basement and helped pick up the living room.  Layla actually was happy to help.  This time it was Caleb.  Getting him to do work is like getting an ant to pick up a brick and move it 1" most of the time.  He finally did and Alex came in.  I took a nap and then we headed over to Grandma Jo's for Aunt Mackenzie's birthday party.  It started out fine.  Caleb however got out of control quickly which gives me anxiety in a small house with so many people.  To top it off I have started feeling very hormonal today due to my "monthly friend" getting ready for her visit.  We finally left about 9 and came home.  Kids got in my bed and watched some tv.  When it came time for sleep Layla started to have one of her meltdowns.  I know it is worse when she is tired.  She gets so irrational and ridiculous with her behavior.  So we had a showdown of emotions.  Her tired, sad and missing daddy attitude versus the Queen B and Aunt Flo.  In the end there was no real winner.  I am ashamed at how upset I got and devastated at the underlying hurt that is always in her heart in regards to her dad choosing to leave and not be a real part of her life.  She never tells him what she is really feeling so I get to deal with all of the bottled up hurt and anger with both kids.  When I get so angry back, it really isn't at them it is at him.  Which is really at the root of all my kids hurt and anger.  These negative emotions are always swirling somewhere deep inside but we're usually able to keep them at bay with all of the love and positivity around us.

I wish that my children could sit down in a room with their dad and explain to him in terms he could understand just what his actions have done to them emotionally and mentally.  When a 5 year old little girl screams and begs for her daddy who is living and perfectly capable of being a part of her life it is just not right.   My dad died when I was 23.  An adult in all aspects but I still have that longing for him that only a child could have.  But I can't Skype or wait for his call.  I can't look through his pictures on Facebook.   I can do nothing but wait until the Lord calls me home and hope that my dad is there to take my hand.  I had 5 siblings that were 18 and younger living at home still when he died.  Little Mackenzie was only 4 and she is now 17 years old.  My dad would have NEVER chosen to leave his family.  He would have never wished for the emotional toll it took on his wife and children to go through losing him.  But he didn't have a choice.  It was out of his control.  That's what makes this situation in our little family so hard for me to understand.  This was the example I grew up with and I know that this is the example Matt grew up with.

Now don't get me wrong, when he was living here he was an excellent father.  I strongly remind you that this is not a bash my ex-husband kind of post. I don't believe in airing dirty laundry in detail like so many do on Facebook.   However, my blog is a way for me to journal what we are enduring and I have found it to be very therapeutic and this is just a post on how I am trying to deal with the cards that we have been dealt.  I truly never thought that this would be how my children's growing up would be but I can't change that. Just like I can't change having my dad die at such a young age.  I didn't choose it.  I am just left to deal with the broken pieces and try to put them back together again like a huge puzzle.  Some days I do great and then there are days like today I feel as if I failed.  The devil might think he accomplished in tearing my eternal family apart but he didn't and it only makes me want to fight harder and keep on trying.  I am so thankful to my village for being there and helping me find the missing pieces and put them back together.  We've all got our armor on ready for the fight.   I just hope that their dad and his new wife get it together and realize where he really needs to be right now and respect the fact that I am not like him.  I will never allow for my kids to grow up without me right by their side cheering them on and being a part of their every day accomplishments in life.   My first and most important job is to be their mother and I will do it to the best of my ability.  Negative emotions, bad moods, hormones and whatever else may come our way.